


See What A Fool I've Been

by brianmaybrianmay



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brian Is Having A Crisis Over His Sexuality, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Roger Is Pissed Off, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 13:01:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18223496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brianmaybrianmay/pseuds/brianmaybrianmay
Summary: After a drunken night in New York, Brian is left to pick up the pieces as his and Roger's friendship falls apart.





	See What A Fool I've Been

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! 
> 
> This has been sitting half written on my laptop for god knows how long, I'm surprised it finally saw the light of day!
> 
> Set in early '77 during their ADATR tour, and title is from the Queen song
> 
> Thanks again and hope you enjoy :)

Brian groaned as he blinked against the light in the room, holding his face in his hands for a moment. He hadn't even attempted to get up yet but he could already feel that it was going to be a struggle, the first waves of nausea starting to hit him. He really shouldn't have drank as much as he had last night.

They were in New York at the moment, and they'd spent the rest of last night at the after-party of the show they had just played. Maybe it wasn't a surprise that they had all gotten as drunk as they had, all four of them had been riding off the high of playing a sell out show at Madison Square Garden. It was the first time the band had played in the legendary venue, and for Brian anyway; it was a rather exhilarating experience.

So he'd decided to cut loose a little, was less mindful of the amount of drinks he'd had or what he'd been drinking. Usually he'd have stuck to pints, but he vaguely remembered drinking a lot of wine last night, he was sure there were shots involved too.

John too had let his hair down a little, had gotten a little drunker than he usually would. Freddie and Roger didn't need much encouragement.

It had seemed a good idea at the time, but really not so much now if the blinding headache he currently had was anything to go by. He froze as he realised that - as he woke up a little more and became more aware of his surroundings - that the noises he'd just become aware of was the sound of somebody in the bed snoring softly behind him. It was with that too that he realised he wasn't actually wearing any clothes.

Shit.

It wasn't like him to pick up some girl for a one night stand but then again, it also wasn't like him to get as drunk as he had last night either. So he figured that had a lot to do with it.

He turned around cautiously in the bed, trying his best to keep quiet so as not to wake his bedmate, and his blood ran cold for a moment when he realised who it was.

It wasn't some random girl he'd picked up at the club, it wasn't even a girl. It was Roger.

From what he could see, the drummer was in an equal state of undress as he was, the covers having slipped down as far as his waist. Brian was just glad that he seemed to be in a deep sleep, because he really couldn't deal with having to face him properly right now. He rubbed his face as he sat up, before the sudden wave of nausea that came over him made him realise he needed to get to the bathroom right now before he threw up where he was.

He got up and rushed to the bathroom as quietly as he could manage, just about getting the door shut behind him before he crouched on the ground in front of the toilet, throwing up what little was in his stomach. It had been a long time since he'd had a hangover as severe as this, and he remembered now why he didn't indulge that often.

Eventually he'd thrown up everything that was in his stomach and had gotten to the point of just dry heaving, so he figured it was about time he dragged himself up off the floor. Once he managed that and had shuffled his way over to the sink, he realised it was Roger's toothbrush that was on the sink rather than his own - seemed he had come back to Roger's room last night instead of the other way around.

He was relieved to see a blister packet of painkillers though and swallowed two of them down with a mouthful of water, rinsing out his mouth from the bottle of mouthwash on the counter. It was only after he'd washed his face and was examining his reflection in the mirror to see how bad he looked that he realised there was a dark hickey on his neck, just above his collarbone. Wonderful.. He was going to just have to wear scarves or high necked tops now for the next week or so.

He knew he'd have to face Roger eventually though, so he opened the door after mentally preparing himself for a moment and was relieved to see that the drummer was still fast asleep. He was suddenly very grateful that his best friend was an incredibly deep sleeper.

As much as he felt like a coward for it, Brian realised that the most attractive option right now was to get out of there before Roger woke up, and hopefully wouldn't remember the events of last night when he eventually did. From what little he could remember, the drummer had been equally as drunk as him, and it wasn't uncommon for him to forget parts of the night before when he woke up from a heavy drinking session.

So with that, Brian picked quietly through the room until he located his clothes, pulling them back on - shutting his shirt as best as he could considering it was missing all of it's buttons now - before he slipped quietly out the door.

He felt slightly less caged in now that he had a little space to breathe without Roger right there and he made his way back to his own room, collapsing onto the bed with a groan once he had gotten there.

Maybe a shower would make him feel better, and he could go get some breakfast before trying to face the others.

So he stepped under the hot water in the bathroom, sighing as he felt it loosening up his sore muscles. He wasn't sure how last night had even happened. Obviously the alcohol was a major factor, but still.. He most definitely wasn't gay, hadn't even looked at a man in that way before and most certainly not at Roger. He didn't think that being drunk would have caused him to fall into bed with the drummer, but clearly he was wrong.

Speaking of Roger though, he'd had no indication before this that he was into men at all, the younger man had only ever had girlfriends as far as Brian could remember, and all of his one night stands and conquests that he told them about had all been women too.

It was a strange situation was all.

He was busy towel drying his hair when there was a knock on his door and he answered it, expecting it to be Freddie or John. He swallowed when he saw that it was in fact Roger, who looked just about as well as he felt. Still though, he was smiling softly at the guitarist,

"Morning, you gonna let me in or what?" He asked and Brian nodded slightly, stepping back to let the younger man into the room. Roger sat on the edge of the bed, running his hands through his hair as he looked up at Brian, who was still stood in the middle of the room.

"Good night last night"

"Yeah.."

"I feel bloody awful now though, and you don't look too healthy either" He remarked with a slight grin, and Brian could see the way his eyes lingered on the hickey on his neck for a moment as he watched him before the drummer sighed, "Look, Bri.. I thought you'd still be there when I woke up and we could talk, but last night was-"

"I'm not gay"

Roger looked a bit like a deer caught in headlights when Brian spoke, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion,

"You're-"

"Not gay. Last night was out of character and I was so drunk, and I barely even remember it happening but I.. I'm not, Rog, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were though, or that you were into men at all. And I'm sorry, I know this looks like I used you for sex but that's not what last night was. I don't even know what it was, I just know that I was drunk and stupid and it shouldn't have happened"

Brian tried his best to explain but he wasn't sure if he was making the whole situation worse. He just.. he had to get it across to Roger that this was a once off thing and that it wouldn't happen again. Not that he assumed Roger wanted it to happen again, he was pretty sure he'd have noticed if his bandmate fancied him, but still..

"Right, well. I'm gonna get breakfast, you're clearly not ready so I won't wait" He shrugged, standing up from where he was sat on the bed. Brian noticed that the soft look on his face had been replaced with something that Brian wouldn't quite call hurt, but close enough.

"Rog, listen.. I-"

"It's alright, don't worry about it"

Brian could only watch while Roger let himself out, shutting the door behind him, "Fuck" He muttered, running his fingers through his hair.

When he eventually got down to breakfast, he quickly found Roger sitting with the other two - who both looked about as rough as he felt. Seemed they had all gotten a little carried away last night. He slid in next to John once he had gotten himself a cup of coffee, giving them a small smile.

"And how are you feeling this morning, dear?" Freddie asked and he could only shrug a little in response, "Not great, really" He murmured with a quick glance in Roger's direction, who was resolutely avoiding meeting his eye. He felt he might have been a little harsh this morning, but had thought Roger would be feeling exactly the same about the whole situation. He certainly hadn't expected him to be hurt over it!

The rest of breakfast passed in much the same way, the four of them too hungover to make much conversation other than small talk. Roger excused himself before any of the others and stalked off, John raising an eyebrow as he watched him walking off, "What's gotten into him?" He asked, and Brian blushed, biting his lip gently, "He must just be feeling shit, I suppose"

He just hoped Roger would move on quickly enough.

 

-x-

 

Four and a half hours realistically wasn't that long of a drive, but to Brian right now? It felt like forever. They were driving up to Syracuse for their next show and the air was thick with tension, had been since that morning in the hotel when he and Roger had talked.

It wasn't like he had wanted to cause all of this unnecessary awkwardness, but he didn't feel like he'd been too in the wrong to tell Roger it wouldn't happen again.

Right now, he wasn't actually sure where Roger was on the tour bus, in the bedroom at the back he supposed since he wasn't out the front with the rest of them. John was dozing on the couch while he and Freddie sat at the table, playing scrabble. Or Freddie was anyway, his mind was a little occupied by thoughts of what he was going to do about the whole Roger situation - he was barely paying attention to the game.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened?"

He looked up at Freddie's question, raising an eyebrow, "About what?"

"You and Roger. Clearly the two of you aren't talking for some reason, and it doesn't look like you have been since we were in New York City, so out with it, what happened?"

Brian blushed again, staring determinedly down at the scrabble board. He'd been hoping the issue would clear itself up, but it obviously hadn't if even Freddie and probably John too had noticed that the two of them weren't on speaking terms right now. He hadn't meant to hurt the drummer, obviously.

"Dear, it might help to talk about it, get it off y-"

"We shagged, me and Rog.. that night after we played Madison Square Garden when we were all shitfaced. I barely even remember it but I was in bed with him when I woke up, and I- I think I upset him the morning after"

"Good lord, how did this even come about?"

Brian sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair, that was the question, wasn't it? 

_The room was mostly dark, only lit up by the flashing lights in the club. Not surprisingly, the music the club was playing tonight was mostly their own, considering it was their own damn after party._

_Brian hadn't planned to get as drunk as he currently was, but they were all running on an adrenaline high from the show they had just played. They had played to huge crowds before, but there was just something about playing in Madison Square Garden.. huge acts had performed there before, and it was a little mind boggling to realise that they fell under that category now._

_So he'd decided to let loose a little, accepted each glass that was pushed into his hand and drank it rather than leaving it down on the closest table like he usually would. He usually was the one who ended up having to bring Roger or Freddie to bed when they had had one too many, but right now? He felt like getting as drunk as either of them._

_The club was hot too, too many warm bodies packed into too small a space, and even the light shirt and waistcoat Brian had on was feeling like too much._

_He made his way up to the bar, smiling when he caught Roger's eye on his way. The younger man looked just as drunk as him if not more so, a grin painted on his face as he walked up to the guitarist,_

_"Alright?" He asked, hip checking Brian once he had reached him. Brian grinned and nodded in response, "Drink?"_

_He got them both a drink before raking his hair back from his face, "I'm gonna go out for a smoke, come out with me?" Roger asked and Brian nodded, following the younger man outside. It was cold enough out, which Brian was pretty thankful for, the heat inside the club was starting to get to him._

_He watched Roger lighting his cigarette and taking a drag, leaning against the wall behind him as he sipped his drink, "Good show tonight" He said and Roger grinned and nodded, his arm brushing against Brian's as he leaned against the wall beside the other man, "Yeah, bloody brilliant it was. I'm still a little bit giddy"_

_"_ _I know, me too. I still can't believe that we're playing sell out shows in New York and that people love us, it's unbelievable, y'know? And it's- you alright?"_

_He asked, noticing how the drummer was watching him with an odd look on his face. He seemed to be standing an awful lot closer than he had been a couple of moments ago too,_

_"_ _Yeah, I'm.. yeah. Can I try something?" He asked as he flicked away the butt of his cigarette. Brian raised an eyebrow before nodding, with no idea what was going through Roger's head at the moment. Roger put a hand on his arm as he leaned up slightly on his tiptoes, his nose just barely brushing against Brian's,_

_"_ _Is this alright?"_

_He waited for Brian's slightly hesitant nod before he closed the gap, pressing their lips together. They fit quite nicely together, Brian had to admit. He put his hands on Roger's waist as they kissed, feeling the younger man tangling his fingers into his hair._

_It was.. a lot, really. But Brian was drunk and he let himself forget for a moment who it was that he was kissing, simply because it felt so great. It had been a while, if he was being honest.. he'd been busy, and single for too long, and he just hadn't gone looking for anyone._

_Roger pulled back slightly, just enough to breathe although his lips were still brushing Brian's,_

_"D'you want to go back to the hotel?"_

_Brian knew really that he should say no, that they should go back inside and rejoin the party, but he just.. Roger was here and he was kissing him, and Brian's mind was clouded just enough with alcohol. If he was being honest, he was a little bit horny too. So he nodded, leaning back down to press another quick kiss against Roger's lips before they separated,_

_"C'mon then" Roger said with a grin, pulling him into the street by the hand. The hotel was only a fifteen minute walk or so which Brian was damn glad of. Now that he knew what was going to happen, he was pretty sure he couldn't keep his hands off Roger for much longer than that. He tried not to think too much about the fact that Roger held his hand the entire walk back._

_Roger's room was closest once they got back to the hotel and Brian was glad that it was only on the second floor, meant they didn't have enough time alone in the lift to start something. That was the last thing he wanted really, to get arrested for public indecency because he and Roger had gotten caught shagging in a lift._

_They eventually made it to the room, although Roger seemed to be having trouble getting the door to open with his keycard. So Brian simply plastered himself against the younger man's back, grazing his teeth gently along the line of his neck as he did, "Fuck, Bri, this is enough of a struggle as it is" He breathed, leaning back into the guitarist's touch, "Well you'd better figure out a way to get that door open soon.. cause I don't know how much longer I can keep my hands to myself"_

_Roger turned in Brian's arms at that, his struggle with the key totally forgotten about as he pulled Brian down into another filthy kiss. Brian plucked the card from his fingers, sighing in relief when he heard the beep coming from the door that told him it was finally unlocked._

_Roger didn't waste any time in dragging Brian into the room although the gravity of what was about to happen hit Brian once they'd shut the door behind them, and the two simply stared at each other for a couple of moments._

_"_ _Come here" He breathed and Roger crossed the room to him, pressing Brian back against the wall behind him as he pulled him down for another kiss. He hummed low in his throat when he felt the drummer sliding a thigh between both of his own, the two of them simply rocking against each other for a moment before Roger pulled his mouth away from Brian's, "I think this would be a lot sexier if we were both wearing a lot less clothes" He breathed into his ear._

_They didn't waste any time in stripping out of their clothes, Roger simply ripping Brian's shirt open at the buttons. He assumed he'd be a little pissed off about it in the morning, but right now? He just found it a bit of a turn on that Roger could barely wait long enough to undo each of the buttons._

_Brian bit his lower lip as he looked at Roger's naked body, noticing how the drummer seemed to be examining his own state of undress. He looked up at Brian for a second before he grinned, sinking to his knees._

_Brian felt as though his brain was going to combust at the sight alone, although it was nothing compared to how it felt when Roger wrapped his lips around the head of his cock, sucking lightly, "Fuck.." He breathed, tangling his fingers into the younger man's mop of blonde hair. It was easy to forget that it was his very male bandmate who was currently on his knees in front of him, and Brian was trying his best not to think too hard about that fact._

_He felt his knees almost buckle as Roger took him nearly all the way down his throat, his fingers just about digging into his hipbones._

_"Rog.. Rog, stop, you need to get on the bed right now" He told him, pulling Roger gently off of him by the hair, looking down at the younger man's flushed face._

_Roger quickly rose to his feet, pulling Brian down for another kiss as he walked them both back towards the bed. He pushed the guitarist down onto the bed once his calves had hit the edge, grinning as he straddled his hips, "I can't really say I expected this evening to end up like this" He said with a grin, leaning down to suck a dark bruise into the tender skin right above Brian's collarbone._

_"Neither can I, but.. fuck" Brian breathed as Roger ground down against him. The younger man pulled back slightly to lean down over the edge of the bed, rummaging through his bag for a second before he resurfaced with a bottle of lube and a condom. He smiled sheepishly when he noticed Brian watching him with a raised eyebrow, "Always helps to be prepared"_

_Brian plucked the bottle from his fingers, pouring some of the cool liquid into his own hand before he reached around behind Roger who was still in his lap, pressing one of his fingers into him. He grinned as he heard Roger's breath hitch slightly, leaning up to mouth his way across his neck._

_He took his time preparing Roger as well as he could, they were both drunk but he certainly didn't want to hurt the younger man. Eventually though he could tell that he was getting impatient, if the way he was grinding back against his fingers was any indication,_

_"No offence, Brian.. but I think I'm dying a little bit here. So if you could get on with it" He murmured, and Brian didn't miss the way his voice was high and breathy._

_So he pulled his fingers out, quickly rolling the condom onto his own cock and adding a little more lube before he put his hands on Roger's hips, letting the younger man control the pace as he slowly sunk down onto him. He groaned, pressing his head back into the pillow as Roger eventually settled properly into his lap, taking a moment to get used to the feeling._

_"Bri.. hey, look at me"_

_Brian opened his eyes at Roger's words, holding the drummer's gaze as he slowly raised himself up before dropping back down, tearing a groan from both of them. He really wasn't sure how he was supposed to last long, the sight of Roger above him like this had gotten him wound tightly enough as it was, and that was without all of the sensations._

_"You feel so good, Brian.. as much as I'd love to go at this all night, I'm so close already" He breathed._

_Brian raised himself up into a sitting position at that, pulling Roger into a kiss as he dragged his nails down the younger man's back. He had a feeling that this was going to be over sooner than either of them wanted. Still, he revelled in the breathy gasps that came from Roger's throat as he thrusted his hips up hard, which were met by Roger dropping his own back down._

_They continued like this for a moment before, in a moment of confidence, Brian suddenly flipped them over, pressing Roger down into the mattress, "God, Rog, you've got no idea how good this feels" He gasped, hitching one of the other man's legs up around his hips for a better angle before continuing on._

_Roger was barely coherent at this point, simply holding on for dear life as Brian did the work._

_"Oh.. shit, Brian I'm- oh fuck" He gasped, arching his back off the bed as he came over Brian's hand a moment or two after he'd wrapped his hand around his cock. It was only a couple of seconds later that he felt Brian's rhythm faltering as he stiffened above him, a low groan spilling from the guitarist's lips._

_They simply laid as they were for a couple of moments, both men trying to catch their breaths._

_"That was.. unexpected" Brian murmured as he rolled off of Roger, flopping down against the bed once he had tossed the condom somewhere in the direction of the bin in the corner of the room, "Yeah, bloody fantastic though" Roger said with a grin. He shuffled over against Brian's side, running his fingers through the guitarist's curls as he pulled him down for a soft kiss,_

_"Stay the night, no point in trying to navigate your way back to your own room" He murmured as he trailed his fingers gently along his cheek, tangling his legs with Brian's under the covers._

_Brian could hardly argue with that logic and so he nodded, giving the other man a small smile as he settled down against the pillow, wrapping an arm around his waist._

Brian sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair, glancing over at Freddie,

"I don't even know, Fred! We were drunk and he kissed me outside the club, and it just.. it just happened" He murmured, although his heart clenched a little at the memory of how vulnerable Roger had seemed with him before they'd gone to sleep. He'd asked Brian to stay the night and had wrapped himself around him, so Brian supposed he could understand how Roger might have been hurt by the fact that he'd been alone when he'd woken up.

Still though, it didn't change the fact that none of this would have happened if they'd been totally sober.

"You said you upset him the morning after, what happened?" Freddie asked.

Brian felt like a bit of a coward really, thinking about how he had slunk out of the room before Roger had woken up, "I left while he was still asleep. I know it was stupid but I was panicking. I didn't even remember it happening and then he was just there, and I was naked and hungover, and I just.. I'm not.. like that" He tried to explain, although he noticed the way Freddie was watching him with an unimpressed look on his face,

"'Gay' isn't a dirty word, darling" He said, and Brian flushed at the hint of venom in Freddie's voice.

"I know that, Fred. God, I'm not trying to say it was wrong or that God is going to smite me down or anything, but just.. can you not see why I freaked out? I didn't know Roger was into men at all, but I'm not and it only happened because I was drunk and not thinking" He murmured, putting his face in his hands,

"Well, dear, did you ever think that the fact you slept with him in the first place might mean you're not as straight as you keep telling yourself and everyone around you?" He asked, although he was looking at the guitarist in a slightly less accusatory way than he had been.

Brian just sighed, still holding his head in his hands.

 

-x-

 

Brian wasn't sure where Roger's head was, if he was being honest.

They'd gotten through the rest of the American leg of the tour in much the same way, he and Roger were back speaking but it was.. forced. It didn't feel like he was talking to his best friend, it felt like they were acquaintances at most. He doubted anyone noticed though, except for maybe John and Freddie, they were both very good at making it look like there was nothing wrong.

He had noticed though, that Roger seemed to be going off the rails somewhat. Not in a dangerous way but every time they were out Brian would notice him leaving with a different woman at the end of the night, he got a little drunker than he usually would, and there was a couple of instances where Brian was pretty sure he was high as well as drunk. Still, Roger was an adult and he could handle himself, Brian was pretty sure he wouldn't be welcomed if he started telling Roger he had to look after himself a little better than he was.

They had a break of about a month and a half before they headed off to Sweden for the European leg of the tour, so for now? They were all just taking it easy. John was spending time with his wife and kids at home, Freddie was starting to write songs for his solo album, and Brian.. well, he wasn't actually doing a lot.

He was overthinking, as usual.

He'd been thinking a lot about Roger ever since that night, and he wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that he was thinking about it at all. The more he thought about it, the more he remembered the night. He remembered how it felt to have Roger pressed into the mattress underneath him, how his mouth felt against his, what it was like to have him straddling his lap. He was confused, if he was being honest.

He'd decided to himself that maybe he should experiment a little. He'd obviously been having a bit of a crisis over the whole thing, but he couldn't get it out of his head what Freddie had said about him maybe not being as straight as he was telling himself that he was.

So he waited until one night that he was pretty sure the other three were all busy before he went out, heading to the first club he came to. It reminded him a little too well of the club in New York and he shot that thought down straight away. Tonight had nothing to do with Roger, it was just to see if he maybe would be interested in another man.

He got himself a drink, leaning against the bar once he had. He hadn't really been paying much attention to the people around him, but he was beginning to get the feeling that he was being watched. Turned out he was right, when he looked up and saw a man watching him from across the bar. He was glad to see that he looked nothing like Roger - he really didn't need that in the back of his mind right now. He had brown hair which barely reached his shoulders, and Brian couldn't exactly make out the colour of his eyes, but he was pretty sure they were hazel. He looked more like John than Roger actually, if he was being honest.

Usually he'd have made a quick escape, but he reminded himself before he could do so that this was why he was here in the first place. So he made his way across the bar until he'd reached the man, meeting his smile with one of his own, "Alright?" He asked, biting his lip gently, "Wasn't sure you'd get the hint, I've been looking at you since you walked in the door. I'm Richard"

"Richard.. nice to meet you, Brian"

"Wonderful, can I buy you a drink, Brian?"

And Brian had let him. They stood close together as they talked, and while Richard was actually a nice guy, Brian was still somewhat fighting the urge to bolt. Not that he hated the attention, he was just.. confused still,

"So are you planning on staying here all night, or would you like to get out of here?" Richard asked, putting a hand on Brian's hip as he leaned in close to him,

"Well, I-"

"You've got to be fucking joking"

Brian was somewhat glad for the distraction, because he himself wasn't even sure what his answer to Richard's question was going to be. He was less relieved though when he looked towards whoever it was who had spoken, and came face to face with a pair of blue eyes that belonged to none other than Roger.

Shit, he knew exactly how this must have looked.

"You know what, Brian. Fuck you" Roger snapped, stalking back towards the entrance to the club. Brian gave Richard a somewhat sheepish smile, "I'm really sorry about this" He murmured before putting his glass on the bar, following Roger out.

It wasn't until they'd gotten halfway down the street that he caught up with him, catching Roger by the arm who wheeled around to face him, fury painted on his face, "Roger, let me explain"

"Let you explain what? That you, the self-proclaimed straightest man alive, was about two seconds away from leaving with that bloke in there? Did you tell him first that you're not into men, or was that just a lie to get me off your back?" He snapped, taking a step back from Brian who was at a loss for words.

"Look, I know what this looks like.."

"Oh, do you? So you understand when I say again; fuck you. Let me just spell it out what it looks like. I was trying my damn best to get over the fact that we slept together because you kept insisting that you had no interest whatsoever in men and that you were just drunk. It was shit but I was trying my best because maybe it wasn't an excuse, maybe you were telling the truth, and if you were then I would just have to accept it and move on. So I was trying. But just think for a second and imagine how it must have felt from my point of view, when I saw you - who kept maintaining that it was nothing to do with me, that you were just straight - all over that guy in there. So what is it, Brian? Are you straight, are you not, is it just me you don't want to sleep with?"

Brian barely knew how to respond to Roger's questions. He hadn't ever meant for any of them to find out that he'd even had this plan tonight, let alone for Roger to catch him in the act itself. The last thing he wanted was to hurt him,

"Rog, I- I didn't know you were gay, I thought-"

"I'm not bloody gay! Have you ever seen me with another man, ever?"

"Then what's-"

"It's not men, it's just you"

Brian didn't know what to make of that. He didn't even know what to say. The angry look on Roger's face had been replaced with something closer to hurt, and Brian's heart clenched a little at the fact that it was because of him,

"I-"

"I've never even looked at another man in that way, I've never wanted to. I've had plenty of offers but I turned them all down because you were the only man I've ever had eyes for. I'm sorry, alright? I never meant to fall for you, but I thought after that night in New York that you wanted me too, that maybe there was even a tiny part of you that wanted this. But when you freaked out and said you were straight, I was willing to try and accept that, as much as it hurt. So tell me that you can at least understand why I'm upset"

He wasn't shouting anymore, but Brian wasn't sure if that was better or worse. He just looked.. tired, and fed up.

"Roger, I don't know what to say.."

"Well, don't say anything then. Just.. leave me alone"

It was with that that he turned around and walked off, leaving Brian alone in the street.

 

-x-

 

"So what exactly happened?"

Brian had gone over to John's the next day, just.. he needed to talk to someone about everything that had gone on. Last time he had tried to talk to Freddie, the other man had basically told him to get his head out of his arse and accept the fact that maybe he was lying to himself. He doubted John would be so blunt about it. So he'd called him, and John had told him to come over since Veronica had taken the kids to her mother's for the day.

"I slept with Roger in New York. I panicked the morning after because he's a bloke and I've never felt that way about men. That was where all that awkwardness came from towards the end of the tour. But I.. I can't stop thinking about it, about him. So last night I decided I'd give it a go, and I went out and got talking to some guy, to see if I was into it, y'know? But I fucking ran into Rog while I was with him and Roger got upset and we fought outside. He.. he said that he wasn't into guys either, that he was just into me"

He still wasn't sure how he was supposed to process that information. He thought he would have noticed if Roger had fancied him, and he'd never had any intentions whatsoever of hurting the drummer. He'd just been too stupid to see what was really going on,

"Look, Brian. I doubt anything I can say will be of much help, but it sounds like you need to try and talk to Roger. I mean, I can see why he's upset with you, but I can see that you're confused about the whole thing too. He's not a mind reader, he can only see what's in front of him and you've got to admit that it doesn't look great. Tell him you can't stop thinking about it and that you were only testing the waters last night" He told him, and Brian had to admit that maybe he was right.

"I really fucked up, John"

"So now it's about time you fix it"

 

-x-

 

Brian wasn't sure if he'd even be welcomed right now, or if Roger would shut the door in his face when he saw that it was him. John was right though, he knew he did have to try and fix this. It was his own damn fault Roger was upset with him anyway.

So he figured the best thing to do would be to get Roger's favourite takeaway, go over to his house that evening and see would he hear him out over some dinner. Now that he was in front of Roger's front door though, he could feel the nerves starting to kick in.

He smiled a little when the door opened, although he could tell from Roger's face that he was less than impressed to see him, "What do you want, Brian?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe. He looked.. well, like shit, if Brian was being honest. He didn't look like he had slept much last night,

"Will you have dinner with me?" He asked, holding up the bag of food. Roger sighed, looking back up at him, "I thought I told you to leave me alone?"

"I know, but just.. please let me try to explain, Rog"

Roger just looked at him for a moment longer before nodding, stepping back a little to let Brian into the house. It was a weird atmosphere between the two of them, but Brian was just glad that Roger was willing to at least hear him out. He followed him into the kitchen and they sorted out the food in silence before relocating into the sitting room and sitting at opposite ends of the couch,

"Right.. out with it"

Brian sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair, not exactly sure where to start. He figured he owed it to Roger to at least be honest with him though.

"Look, I had no idea that you felt that way about me, I never even for a second thought that you did. And I'm no-"

"I swear to God, Brian. If you say 'I'm not gay', you're going to be wearing your dinner"

"I'm not though! I panicked when I woke up that morning because you're a man and I have never before even looked at a man like that in my life. I didn't think you did either so I put it down to the fact that we were both drunk and that was that. But Rog, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. And I didn't know what that said about me, so I thought I would test the waters a bit. I planned to go out and get talking to a bloke and see if I wanted to run or if - like Freddie said - I wasn't actually as straight as I was telling myself. I never meant for you to see that, and I swear that I never meant to hurt you like this"

"You did, though"

"I know, and I can't tell you how mad I am at myself for that. But Roger, I swear that I had no idea you had any sort of feelings for me. I never would have acted like that if I thought you did"

He wasn't sure what to make of the fact that Roger wasn't looking at him, that he was just staring resolutely down at his plate as he pushed his food around with his fork. Brian could tell that he was hurt, but he just hoped that he'd be able to find it in himself to forgive him,

"You said you couldn't stop thinking about it.."

"Yeah.. I'm confused, Roger. The more I thought about that night, the more I.. didn't hate it, I guess. It frightens the hell out of me because you're a man - I'm sorry, I know I sound like a broken record - but that you're a man, and that that night was one of the best nights of my life"

He noticed the way Roger's head shot up to him at his words, and there was a strange expression on the younger man's face. It was almost like he couldn't believe what he was hearing, but that he was almost afraid to get his hopes up in case this was Brian taking the piss.

"It was?"

"Yeah, it was. I understand that I hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that, but can you see why I've been all over the place?"

Roger just nodded, biting his lower lip gently. He still looked rather upset, but Brian was relieved to see that his expression had softened a little. He at least looked like he was listening to what Brian had to say rather than shutting him down immediately. He just.. he didn't want to lose his best friend over this.

"Can you go home, Brian?"

Brian could feel his heart breaking a little when Roger asked him if he could leave, but he supposed it was probably the least he deserved. Maybe Roger didn't think that this was worth salvaging, that he'd rather not have Brian in his life at all than to try and patch up their broken friendship,

"I.. um, okay"

"I forgive you, Bri. I'm not throwing you out because I hate you or anything, I just.. I need time to think. This is a lot right now and I'm not sure if I should be relieved or upset, and I just need a bit of time" He explained, and Brian felt the knot in his stomach loosen a little. He didn't think he'd be so relieved to hear Roger say that he'd forgiven him, "Of course, yeah. You know where I am once you've thought things through"

He got his things together and left after that, although it reassured him a little that Roger reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze as he was on the way out.

Maybe there was a chance they could fix things.

 

-x-

 

He didn't hear from Roger for another two days after that, and if he was being a little honest? He was starting to go somewhat crazy.

He understood that the drummer needed time to think about everything, so he certainly wasn't going to try and rush him, but he just.. he wanted to know where his head was at right now. Maybe it was good that he hadn't heard from him though, because he wasn't sure where his own head was at.

He'd been thinking about it though, he'd been trying to think about it all with an open mind and what it would be like to actually be with Roger. He'd been trying to put it all to the back of his mind, but like he told Roger; that night in New York had been one of the best nights of his life. He hadn't been lying either, it had been.

So he'd been trying to clear his mind of what he'd been taught to believe was right and wrong, and of anything besides his feelings towards Roger.

He'd come to conclusion that maybe he did feel.. something, for Roger. He was comfortable with him in a way that he was with nobody else, not even Freddie or John. He could tell him anything, confide in him anything at all. If he'd been asked before if he'd sleep with him, he'd probably have said no, but then again.. that was probably just because of his own way of thinking about things. Girls liked boys, and boys liked girls, and that was that. He knew Freddie had had multiple boyfriends, but he'd always had a different way of doing things. He just hadn't thought it would be a situation that would affect him at all.

Thinking about it now though, maybe what he thought was just incredibly close friendship with Roger was something else entirely.

Besides, the fact that Roger had admitted to having feelings for him hadn't made him want to distance himself from the drummer at all. In fact, it had made him all the more desperate for Roger to forgive him. He wanted the younger man back in his life.

He looked up when he heard the knock on his door, dragging himself off the couch to go and answer it. He stopped when he saw the drummer standing there though, since the younger man had an odd look on his face. Brian wasn't sure if he was about to be kissed or punched in the face, but he was pretty sure either option was as likely as the other right now,

"Can we talk?" Roger asked, looking over at him. Brian just nodded and stepped back, giving the younger man room to come into the flat.

He followed him into the sitting room, although Roger simply stood with his arms folded rather than sitting down, which Brian wasn't sure whether to take as a good or bad sign,

"You hurt me. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and I don't want you to get on your knees and beg for forgiveness, but I just want it on the record that you did hurt me"

"I know.. and Rog, I'm so sorry, but I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me"

Roger just looked at him, his arms still folded. He looked as though he was at least willing to hear Brian out, even if he wasn't totally convinced on what he had to say. It was a start, at least.

"Talk to me, Brian. We've been going back and forward here, all we've been doing is fighting over this whole thing, and I just.. I just want you to be honest with me"

"I'm scared"

"Of what?"

Roger sighed when Brian didn't answer, scratching a hand through his hair in a moment of frustration. Brian understood that this whole situation had to be infuriating for the drummer, but he just.. he was finding it hard to talk about how he was feeling here. He wasn't even totally sure how he was feeling.

"Look, Brian.. you've got nothing to be scared of here. It's me, I'm your best friend a-"

"Exactly. You're my best friend, and it looks like I'm ruining that one way or another here. Rog, I don't want to lose you, but it seems like everything I say is the wrong answer and I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how I feel about all this, or about you, and I can feel you getting further away every time I open my mouth"

"Just be honest with me, is all I'm asking. You know how I feel, I just want to know how you feel. There's no wrong answer here though, I'm not going to tell you to fuck off and never speak to you again if you decide you don't want me back. I'm not going to try and force you to be with me, I just want you to tell me the truth"

Brian just looked at Roger as he spoke, trying to resist the urge to bury his head in his hands. Roger sighed, reaching over to squeeze Brian's forearm gently, "Look, you're obviously not ready to talk about this. I'll go, just.. try and have a think about it, yeah?" He murmured before standing up.

Brian could feel the panic rising in him as Roger stood, reaching out to grab his hand. He knew that the drummer was being as understanding as he could, that he'd told him the decision was his and that he wouldn't stop speaking to him if he decided that he didn't want him, but he just.. he had a feeling that if Roger walked out that door without them having sorted this out, that it would probably be the final nail in the coffin.

He took half a second to weigh the facts as Roger looked at him with an eyebrow raised. As they stood; he had slept with Roger, he had already admitted to the drummer that it had been one of the best nights in his life, and the worst possible scenario in this whole situation was that he lost Roger.

With that thought in mind, he pulled him closer by the hand he was holding as he stood up, leaning down to press their lips together. He felt Roger's hesitation for a moment before he seemed to give in, resting his hands on Brian's hips as he kissed him back. This hadn't happened since that night in New York, and it was the first time it had happened where they were both sober - and Brian had to admit that it didn't feel as scary as he'd imagined it would.

He bit his lip gently when they parted, his forehead still resting against Roger's as he exhaled a shaky breath. When he pulled back properly, Roger was looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face,

"My feelings aren't some experiment of yours. Or a toy for you to play with, you got that?"

"That's not what this is, Rog. I know you must be pissed off listening to me, but what I want more than anything here is to still have you in my life, and I- I think I want this"

Roger just looked up at him as he spoke, his hands still curled into the fabric of Brian's shirt at his waist. Brian had always known that the drummer was attractive, but looking at him now.. with the way he was watching him with a slightly apprehensive expression, despite the fact that his blue eyes were full of hope, Brian had to admit that he was beautiful.

"Go out with me. You said you wanted to test the waters, so.. one date. A proper, romantic date, not just two mates hanging out. I'm not going to put any pressure on you; if you decide at the end of it that you were uncomfortable the whole night and that you don't want this, we can forget the whole thing and just go back to being mates. But if there's a chance you want this, I want it too, Bri"

He nodded as he listened to Roger, giving him a small smile. That he could do, he could get over all of his hang-ups for one night and spend the evening with Roger. He had a feeling he could probably enjoy a date if he stopped thinking so hard about it for one evening.

"Yeah, that.. sounds wonderful, actually"

"Great, Saturday at nine then?"

 

-x-

 

By the time it was nearing nine on Saturday evening, Brian could feel the nerves starting to creep in. He'd changed about four times, had drank half a bottle of wine, and had been on the verge of calling Freddie or John and asking for their help. He hadn't given in on that last part though, he just.. he didn't want to tell them yet in case tonight all went awfully wrong.

He had just pulled on a white shirt with a black waistcoat buttoned over it and a pair of black jeans when he heard the doorbell. Right, this was it. He opened the door, sighing when he saw that Roger was wearing pretty much the mirror image of his own outfit - a white waistcoat over a black shirt, "Um, I can go change" He said, although Roger smiled and shook his head,

"Don't, you look great"

Brian bit his lip gently as he looked down at him, quickly wetting his lips with his tongue before leaning down to press a quick kiss to Roger's lips, "So do you" He said with a small smile.

Well yeah, he was on a date, he was damn well going to act like it.

"Kissing on the first date, Brian? Thought you were a gentleman" He teased with a grin as Brian followed him out, who rolled his eyes and playfully pushed the drummer. He let Roger take his hand as they walked, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze. He would admit that this felt rather nice actually, just walking hand in hand with him. Besides, it was good to know that Roger had promised him he wouldn't put any pressure on him - that if he wasn't enjoying himself, then that was fine.

"So where're we going?"

"For dinner, I booked us a table at that vegetarian restaurant you said you wanted to try a while back"

That was another thing Brian had to admit about the drummer; he was thoughtful. He could've just picked his own favourite restaurant and Brian would've had to settle on probably the only vegetarian thing on the menu, but he had chosen this one because he remembered that Brian had said months ago that he'd wanted to go.

It didn't take them long to get to the restaurant, and they were seated quickly enough. He was glad that their seats were relatively private though, he didn't want to be hounded the entire night; and not when they were so clearly on a date.

It was nice though, just to sit over dinner with Roger and chat, have a couple of glasses of wine. He was taking it easy on the wine though, considering he'd already drank half a bottle while he was panicking at home, and he'd noticed that Roger seemed to be holding himself back a little too in terms of the drink.

"Bri, I'm really glad you agreed to come out with me tonight" He murmured with a small smile, his fingers tangled with Brian's across the table. Brian could only smile looking back across the table at Roger, "Yeah, so am I. I know I said I was scared, but this is nice"

It felt a little like all the miscommunication and arguing was worth it, just to see Roger's blinding smile at his words.

 

-x-

 

Before he knew it, they were paying the bill and leaving, although it was him who grabbed Roger's hand this time as they walked.

He would admit that he'd had his reservations at the start of the night, but once he had let go and actually let himself enjoy the night; he'd actually had a good time. Besides, it was obvious Roger had had a good night too.

He let Roger walk him home, smiling down at him when they stopped outside his front door, "I had a really good time tonight, Brian, and I hope you did too" He said before leaning up and pressing his lips against Brian's, his fingertips resting against Brian's pulse point in his neck.

Brian bit his lip gently after they had pulled apart, looking down at Roger, "D'you want to come in? It's still early" He murmured. He didn't miss the slight hesitance in Roger's eyes at his question, although he nodded anyway, following Brian into the house.

He went to grab them both a glass of wine once Roger had gotten settled in the sitting room, although he took a second to just get his head together while he was in the kitchen. He knew that if they went any further here, that if he took this last step, then there was no going back. He knew Roger had said they could go back to being just friends if he decided that was what he wanted, but he doubted the drummer would ever speak to him again if they took it any further tonight and he then decided that it wasn't for him. Somehow though, he wasn't fighting the urge to run. He wanted this.

He smiled as he brought the two glasses back into the sitting room, sitting next to Roger as he passed him his glass, "Are you alright?" Roger asked as he looked up at him, biting his lip gently. He nodded, giving him a small smile, "Yeah, never been better"

They made it about halfway through their glasses before Brian put his down, instead leaning over to press his lips against Roger's again. He grinned against his mouth when he felt him wrapping his arms around his neck, sliding his own hands under Roger's shirt to rest against the bare skin of his waist, "D'you want to take this somewhere more comfortable?" He asked, pulling back just enough to look the drummer in the eye, "Are you sure?" Roger asked, running his fingers through his hair.

He was though, he was pretty sure he'd never been more sure of anything in his life.

He nodded as he raised to his feet, pulling Roger up too by his hands. He walked with him to his bedroom, biting his lip gently once he had shut the door behind them before turning back to the drummer - who seemed to not know what to do with himself now that they were here,

"Brian, don't feel like you have to do this because you think I'm expectin-"

Brian cut him off by crossing the room to him, pressing their lips together again, holding Roger's face in his hands as he did, "I'm not. I had a fantastic time tonight, and I want you" He told him, smiling when the drummer nodded before connecting their lips again. He reached up to undo the buttons on Roger's shirt, pulling it down over his shoulders along with his waistcoat once he had unbuttoned it, "Have I told you how beautiful you are?" He asked, smoothing his hands over the bare skin at Roger's chest.

Roger smiled and rolled his eyes, pulling Brian's own shirt off once he had unbuttoned it, "Should've known you'd be a huge sap in bed" He teased with a grin.

It didn't take them much longer to strip off the rest of their clothes and Roger lead Brian to the bed, straddling his lap once Brian had sat on the edge of the bed, "You're sure that this is what you want?" He asked again, trailing his fingers lightly along Brian's jawline as he looked down at him. The fact that Roger was being so understanding here, that he was making sure all along that he was alright with this - and giving him an out if he wasn't - it just solidified the fact that he did want this, "Yeah, Rog.. I am"

Roger kissed him again at that, holding onto Brian as he manoeuvred them back so that Roger was lying back against the pillow, Brian leaning over him. He hummed as he rocked his hips down against Roger's, trailing his lips gently along the drummer's neck, "Rog, I.. I want you to fuck me" He breathed, looking down at the younger man when he jerked back slightly at his words,

"Is.. that alright?"

"Yeah, fuck.. course it- are you sure?"

"Yeah"

A soft moan slipped past Roger's lips at that, and he moved to press the guitarist back against the mattress instead, giving him a quick kiss once he had. Brian leaned up slightly to grab lube and a condom from his bedside locker before pulling Roger back down against him, biting his lip gently as he looked up at the younger man,

"This could feel a little uncomfortable" Roger murmured as he poured some lube into his hand, pressing his lips to Brian's neck as he pressed a first cold finger into him. It was.. an odd sensation, Brian had to admit. A little uncomfortable but it didn't hurt, "Is that alright?" Roger asked, waiting for Brian's nod before he added another finger.

It was definitely a strange feeling, having something down there, and it wasn't until Roger had added a third finger that Brian gasped, pressing his head back against the pillow, "Fuck, Roger, do that again" He gasped, noticing how the drummer grinned as he searched for that spot inside him again.

"Shit.. I'm ready, Rog, please" He whined as he tangled his fingers into blonde hair. Roger nodded, pulling back for a moment as he rolled the condom onto himself before leaning back down to Brian, "Take a deep breath for me" He breathed, pressing his lips against Brian's again as he slowly pushed into that tight heat. A broken moan slipped past his lips as he bottomed out, resting his forehead against Brian's chest as he gave the guitarist a moment to adjust.

"Please, Roger.. feels so good" He murmured, looking up at the drummer once he had raised his head just enough to look down at him. Like he'd said, it was an odd sensation, but he couldn't deny how good it felt.

"Alright, just.. wrap your legs around my hips" Roger told him, pulling back slightly only to thrust back in when Brian did as he was told. They continued on like that slowly for a few minutes, and Brian was pretty sure his neck was going to be sorer than his arse tomorrow with the attention Roger was giving it.

Eventually he pulled Roger's face up to him by his hair, pressing their lips together. The feeling of their tongues sliding together combined with Roger fucking him was almost enough to push him over the edge as it was, and when Roger wrapped his hand around his cock; he was a goner.

He dropped his head back against the pillow as he came over Roger's hand, his vision whiting out for a second. He barely registered Roger's own orgasm washing over him, a moan being torn from his throat before he simply collapsed next to the guitarist, still half on top of him, "Are you alright?" He asked, propping himself on his elbow so that he could look down at Brian, running the backs of his knuckles against his cheek. Brian could do little more than nod, trying his best to catch his breath,

"Hold on, I'll be back in a minute" Roger whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead before dragging himself out of the bed. He returned a moment later with a damp washcloth and a glass of water, giving the water to Brian as he cleaned them both up, "Go to sleep, you're alright" He murmured with a small smile as he pulled the covers up over them again.

Brian could hardly argue as he nestled against the drummer's side, feeling sleep washing over him.

 

-x-

 

When Brian next woke up, the first thing he registered was how sore he was.

The second thing he registered was that the bed was warm, and that Roger was sitting up against the headboard, flicking through an astronomy magazine he'd had in his bedside locker. He smiled when he saw Brian was awake, putting the magazine back where he'd found it before turning around to the guitarist,

"Good morning, how're you feeling?" He asked, his eyes full of concern. It was definitely a different atmosphere than it had been to the first time he'd woken up in bed with Roger. Instead of panicking this time, he was warm and content, and he found he was perfectly happy to stay here with him,

"Sore.. but I'm good" He told him with a small smile. It didn't escape his notice either that Roger just looked.. happy, as well as slightly relieved. It was though he thought Brian would come up with some excuse to run again once he had woken up, and that he was relieved he hadn't done so.

Roger got up shortly afterwards, pulling on his boxers as well as one of Brian's dressing gowns - which was far too long for him, the material dragging along the ground as he pottered around the room. "D'you want breakfast? I can make something or we can go out, if you want. Your choice, I don't mind"

Brian sat up as he watched Roger, and he was glad to find that there was no awkwardness or anything.

"Look, I've thought about it, Rog.. and I'm still not into men"

He didn't miss the way Roger's expression shut down at that, the blissful look on his face having been replaced with one of hurt and betrayal, "Are you fu-"

"I'm just into you"

Brian continued before Roger could get any further, trying his best to fight the smile trying to come over his face as Roger's look of hurt turned to one of confusion, before finally settling into realisation and relief.

He joined Brian again on the bed, sitting next to him as he punched him lightly on the shoulder, "You're a fucking stupid idiot, d'you know that?" He asked with a grin. Brian could only laugh, smiling as he leaned forward to softly press their lips together,

"Yeah, but I'm your stupid idiot"


End file.
